I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
“just sayin” who asked you though?
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order