Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Cat.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog