I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
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i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
this is the greatest thing ever
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
Netflix and awkward silence?
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.