When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
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Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
dutch so unserious
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.