In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
You Might Also Like
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.