According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
You Might Also Like
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes