Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
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Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?