Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
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Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
I will never get tired of listening to Whitney Houston clearing Wendy Williams on air 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.