“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
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If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive