People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Not even remotely sorry.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
I saw nothing
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
This could’ve been an email.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.