DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
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boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Rooting for the overdog
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?