[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
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Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’