A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I almost confused a laxative and Ibuprofen and that would have changed my plans for the evening significantly
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile