him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.