I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
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wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Just so funny
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*