I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
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Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Breaking news:
*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.