My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
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Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.