Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
You Might Also Like
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?