there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
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Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.