[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Phonetics
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run