I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
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why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.