Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Proctology is located in A55
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
do u think theres a butter planet?
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”