[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I love the honesty
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*