Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
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OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.