“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.