inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Room with a view.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*