Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
the battle rages on
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*