Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
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Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Finally!
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian