*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
You Might Also Like
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.