Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
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When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
sistine chapel
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now