[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Saturday
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
TRAIN’S HERE
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*