Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
what’s really going on
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong