i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
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If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.