white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
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“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
New favorite tiktok
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.