Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*