Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
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Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game