(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
What kind of a cult is this?