Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
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[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?