A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
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If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If you are reading this then you are reading this
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
There is no try. There is only give up.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life