ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!