There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.