Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
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People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”