“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
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Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
fair
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Ooh. Remove card RAPIDLY, not RABIDLY. I think I owe the lady at pump 2 an apology.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.