Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
That’s easy for you to say
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.