I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
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zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
Hey I worked for it too!
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅