One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
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Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Bless you
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…