My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
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Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Raisins are grape jerky.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse