Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
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I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.