I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
You Might Also Like
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat