So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
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Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
I feel like one of these would kill a European
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides